so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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