This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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