I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
