We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
