so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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