she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
