I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
