you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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