Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
