Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I think pants incapable of making pants work
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I smell like Dick and happiness
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
