I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
