You can't motorboat a personality
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
