I got chris browned last night
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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