Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
your parents love me but you hate me
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize