and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Randomize
