You just made me feel so damn special
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
