Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
