i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
