I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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