just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
