I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
