my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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