i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
