I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
