I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
