I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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