why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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