I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
