its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
