Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
