Soap is not a condiment
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
