it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
