Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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