I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
