listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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