took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
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