I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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