it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
