"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Randomize
