Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
