remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
