We named our party play list daddy issues
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
