My sheets look like a crime scene.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
