Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize