Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I checked into jail on foursquare
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
