defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
