my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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