Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
