if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
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