Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
