You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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