he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
