i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
