i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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