Jerry, you need to find god
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Two words: nipple clamps
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