yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
