I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize