I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
