i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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