Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
